Okay, I have been neglecting my blog the past couple of weeks, after I was through with the pressure to try to post as often as possible in October, because my life has been cuh-razy lately! And by lately I mean since March!!
I had one of those moments a couple nights ago where I noticed I was feeling anxious – an earache on one side and then on the other, holding tension in my shoulders, a slight headache in the front of my head, and then my head felt like it was ballooning up. The truth I acknowledged was: yes, it does feel like my head is ballooning, because it is; it is ballooning with thoughts and feelings and fears and anxieties!
I knew the only thing that would release the air in the balloon was to get all of those thoughts out. I found a willing subject on the comfy yellow chair (which has been sitting half-finished from the sewing project I started last winter) and unleashed a sentence or two. I felt a lot better, and applauded myself internally for finding the source of my discomforts. Whit knew better. Two and a half hours later, with lots of love from my listening ear, I was finally done sharing the burdens that had been piling up over the past month and a half.
Never have I ever felt more like a woman. Seriously, girls, how do you do it??! I had two and a half hours of feelings from a 3-6 week time period. We guessed that was approximately 2-3% of the feelings a normal woman has. I couldn’t do that.
My problem isn’t having the feelings though, it’s sharing them. I do NOT like sharing them.
My problem is that I think the things I think and… feel…? during the day are insignificant. And more importantly, boring. I tell myself it’s boring when Whit tells me all the things he thinks in a day (that’s another problem), so I tell myself it would be boring to share my own thoughts. He reiterated to me that he isn’t bored by my thoughts – wow! I’m thankful for that. However, I still tell myself that I am bored by them. Something to work on.
I need to share more freely in order to not have anxiety build up. And you know the best person to share to?
I went on a walk yesterday (took a mental health day – just as important to my physical health as a regular sick day), and God pointed something out to me. I heard lots of rustling in the trees beside me, and I stopped and worried a little that someone was creeping on me from the forest. Truth: “It’s just animals and birds! No need to worry.” I finally spotted one!
A chipmunk. One of my favorite animals. They are rare, small, colorful, and quirky. He was just going about his day, scuttling from one leaf pile to the next.
I bent down, continuing on my walk, and picked up a tiny flower, or a weed, who knows. It looked like a miniature daisy, white petals with yellow inside. That’s when God reminded me that nothing is insignificant to Him. Not a chipmunk, not a tiny flower, not that tree out of the bunch over there that no one ever specifically looks at or thinks about. I thought of a video I had watched of the view an astronaut has of the earth from outer space – GAZILLIONS of stars. God holds everything in His hand – the whole world. 🙂 All the tiny cells and creatures, all the medium-sized everything else, and all the giant galaxies. None of it is meaningless to Him, least of all His people – me.
I’m so thankful He always loves me. He cares so much that He wants to hear the “meaningless” parts of my day. Thank you, Jesus!